You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
