The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
smell my finger.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
