well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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