Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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