If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
