Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
