So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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