I met the friendliest cop last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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