I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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