Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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