Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
