she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
