He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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