She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
