I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
