so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
