You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
