Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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