he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
