he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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