After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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