Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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