Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
