Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
