I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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