i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
