Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
