So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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