70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
