my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
