i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
