did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
