I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize