so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
