I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
