btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
