Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
