I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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