all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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