I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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