so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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