best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
