My sheets look like a crime scene.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
