My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
