He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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