I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
