The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
