Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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