ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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