her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
