can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
