Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
