if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
