i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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