I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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