I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
