I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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