dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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